Chapter 23 - CIA

By Marlin Eller

James Hays checked into the hotel across the street from the park where tomorrow's rally would be held. this was the Grand YahtzCon where the Yahtzees from all over the continent would flock like lemmings to the sea. Marlin was going to be at this one. So would James Hays. It would be his firs Con, and his last. It was also going to be Marlin's last.

He had only a small bag which he carried himself as the desk clerk led him up frayed staircases to the room on the east side facing the park. He gave the man a large tip, as was his custom. It made them happy to serve. It made him happy to give it and besides, "the company" would pay for it. Smiling, the clerk thanked him and closed the door leaving him quite alone.

He'd been alone in hotel rooms before on company business, but this time there was a weariness in his bones as he unpacked his case into the bureau. He removed his shoes, lit up a cigarette and lay down on the bed like a tired old man. "I shouldn't feel this old," he thought. He was only in his fifties. "It must be the damn cigarettes," he said, taking another deep drag and watching the smoke swirl and vanish as he exhaled.

How long had he been smoking, he wondered. He had started soon after he'd joined the company. He'd been young then, full of life. Now he was old and full of death.

"Mr. Hays. Won't you come in and have a seat. " That was the first thing the director has ever said to him. The second was; "Have a cigarette," as he opened the rosewood case on his desk.

"No thank you. I don't smoke."

"I see. How long have you been with us Mr. Hays?"

"About six months, sir."

"I see, and how do you like your work so far?"

"Oh, it's been most enjoyable, ...though it's not quite what I expected," he shuffled in his chair.

"Oh, how is that?"

"Well, it's nothing really, I had just expected more ... I mean, it’s a lot like being a clerk. I know, that's my title and it's what I wanted to do, and I like doing it too. I had just thought that it would be different than it is."

"I know exactly what you thought, Mr. Hays. You'd read a lot of spy novels and seen the James Bond movies and were ready for a lot of cloak and dagger intrigue and other such nonsense. Lord man, this is the Central Intelligence Agency. We deal in intelligence not stupidity. Did you expect us to issue you a license to kill?"

"Why no, of course not. I like to read and know what's going on. That's why I joined the company. I know that the cloak and dagger stuff is fiction. Gathering intelligence is like learning. You want to learn who is doing what. I've always enjoyed it and still do. I'm quite happy to be a clerk. I'm getting paid to do exactly what I want."

"So you are content with your work?"

"Yes, ... yes, I am."

"Good. I'm glad to hear it, but I still think that even though you didn't expect it to be a spy novel, some part of you was hoping that we'd all go by code names or numbers, eh double-oh-seven? Go ahead and admit it. We are products of our culture. We've all seen the movies, and enjoyed the thrills. I'd be surprised if there is a single employee who has never fantasized about being James Bond or Matta Hari."

"Well, I suppose you're right. But I never seriously considered it. I mean, if things were really like the movies, I would certainly not be the James Bond. I'd probably just be one of the background players, like a secretary or something. I'm really not the adventuresome type. I am more of a clerk, I guess."

"Do you mean to tell me that if I offered you the License to kill that you wouldn't take it?"

"That's right, I probably would not."

"Well, that's just fine. Would you care for a cigarette?"

"No thank you, I don't smoke"

"So hypothetically speaking, if I offered it you would not take it?"

"What? You mean the license to kill? No,...no, I don't think so."

"You don't think so, but that's just hypothetically. Suppose I really offered it to you?"

"I don't see what you're driving at."

"Let me put it this way. I'm offering it."

"What?"

"I'm offering you the license to kill."

"You're not serious!"

"Oh yes, I'm always serious. There are times when in the interests of the country it is determined that the elimination of a single individual can have a great influence in the shaping of events to a desirable outcome. Thus we employ certain individuals to facilitate that process. You are being offered such a position. I am offering you the license to kill. Do you accept it?"

Gulp, "Are you serious?"

"Mr. Hays, You just said that if I offered you'd refuse. What seems to be the difficulty? Yes, I'm quite serious. Now tell me, do you accept?"

"Wow! I just can't believe it! I'd like to think about it."

"You can't. We need people who can make decisions quickly, forcefully, and carry them out. You must tell me now, which way will it be."

"I can't. I mean I ... No, I couldn't do it. I'm sorry, I just don't think I could."

"Well, I think you can, which is why I offered. Now which will it be?"

"This is just so sudden. I'll have to say... I mean, um... No, I'll have to say no."

"You'll get no second chance on this."

"No. I'll say no. I'm just not ready for this. I can't do it. I'm sorry."

"Well, that's good to hear. Congratulations."

"Congratulations?"

"Yes, you did well. You stuck to your guns. You made a firm decision under pressure. You showed integrity. I require that of my employees. I'd say you passed quite well. You hesitated a little but you can work on that. Also you questioned my sincerity. You should not have to do that. Question my decisions, but never ask me if I am serious. I am always serious. But you are new. I think you'll fit in quite well."

"You mean that was all a test?"

"Yes, you could call it that."

"Wow, you really had me going there! I mean, I really thought you were offering me a job as a hit man."

"I was. The offer had to be believable in order for the test to work. The offer was true when I gave it. Had you accepted you'd be a "hit man" to use that vulgar term. As it is you didn't. You are not a hit man, you are a clerk and a good one."

"You mean you really do employ hit men?"

"No, I said, it was important for the test that you believe we license people to kill. You had to believe it. Now it is important for you to believe that we do not hire people to kill. We do not have an assassination squad."

"I'm not sure whether to believe you or not any more."

"Good. You should not be too gullible. You will probably hear some rather fantastic things in the intelligence business. May I suggest that you should not believe everything you hear. Think about everything you hear and if it makes sense to you then believe it, accept it, and act on it. Ignore everything else. You have a mind. Use it. Think! Question everything you hear, even if I say it. I am always serious. I always have a reason for saying the things I say, but that does not mean that you must believe everything that I say. I told you we had a hit squad. I was serious. I was testing you. Your mind told you not to believe me. Your mind was right. I am not here to do your thinking for you. I will not hire zombies. You must do your own thinking and make your own decisions. Is that clear?"

"Well, yes, I do my own thinking, decision making, and all that, but now, I am curious as to whether or not the CIA runs a hit squad. You are being evasive. Were you really offering me a job or just testing me?"

"I was merely testing you. I was testing your integrity and ability to make decisions under pressure. You did quite well. Not perfect, but quite well."

"What would have been perfect?"

"You could have said yes."

"Ah ha; so you do have a hit squad!"

"No, we do not have a hit squad. I was merely testing you. Perhaps a different test will make it clearer. Suppose I was to tell you that occasionally we recognize the utility of eliminating someone yet cannot condone not commit the act ourselves but would probably not be terribly unhappy if some individual acting alone were to perform the assassination. Suppose I were to tell you that it would be ideal if the individual who committed the act also promptly committed suicide, thus establishing himself as being rather disturbed and furthermore drastically reducing any hope of tracing why the individual did it. Now certainly, we could never ask a happy healthy person to engage in such behavior. The mere thought of suggesting such a thing is hideous. I only say this as a purely hypothetical exercise, you understand. There is simply no way that we would ever suggest a combination suicide/assassination to one of our employees. Not even if they were willing to do it. Not even if they were terminally ill with something like lung cancer and probably would only be living in pain for a short while anyway. No, we can not even suggest that it might even be useful to the company to have decisive individuals who from their own choice of personal habits might even run a higher than normal risk of contracting a terminal illness toward the end of their normal life span. And we certainly hope that no one would misconstrue our unusually high medical benefits and life insurance coverage as encouragement to our employees to engage is potentially self destructive habits. We could not ask an employee to gamble with his own life, now could we? The whole prospect is entirely too Satanic.

"No, if one of our employees chooses to engage in self destructive activities such as smoking it must be entirely of their own free will. Speaking of which, would you care for a cigarette? Oh, that's right, you don't smoke. Pardon me, I keep forgetting. So many of our employees smoke. I assure you I won't offer it again."

"Yes, I'll bet you won't. I can see that you are indeed a most serious man, even if you are a bit of a gambler. You know, I think I will try one after all."