Loop
By Marlin Eller
I
really am sorry that I ever thought about it. You see, I’ve thought of nothing
else for the past couple of days.
I
suppose that I owe the human race more than an apology, but what else can I do?
I really am deeply sorry. Do you hear that? the inventor of the ultimate weapon
is sorry. If my death would undo it I wouldn’t
hesitate to kill myself. In fact, I may kill myself anyway.
Ha!
Ha
Ha!
Isn’t
that a joke. I say that as if I had a choice, as if I could kill myself,
as if I weren’t already dead for the past forty hours.
But
let me explain. After all, that is part of what an apology is all about, isn’t
it.
I
had many interests while I was alive. A computer programmer by trade, a
scientist-philosopher by thought, amateur musician for hobby, but never a
weapons researcher. Certainly I was never a weapons developer. I’m just not the
type, you see. I was the peaceful quiet type that would never dream of hurting
anyone. That’s why I never though I’d be the one... No, I’m not trying to shed
the blame. I and I alone am responsible for the destruction of humanity. It
lies squarely upon my shoulders. It is entirely my fault and I know it. Oh no,
I am not trying to shed the blame for that... for this. It’s just that I never
thought that I’d be the one. Me, the author, the destroyer...
There
I go wandering again. I’ll try to stick to the point. It’s the least I can do
for you, my victim, who I am killing and who I have killed. I can do that and
say that I am sorry.
When
I was a child I was introduced to infinity on a can of Bon Ami cleansing powder
that sat under the sink in the bathroom. On the can there was a lady using a
can of Bon Ami, and on that can was the same lady using a smaller can with a
lady with a can with a lady with a...
I
used to stare at that can a laugh.
Ha!
Ha
Ha!
How
far does it go? It can’t really go on forever can it? How could they take the
picture for the can because they would already need the can which would already
need the picture...
Ha!
I
wouldn’t say that that childhood memory shaped my life greatly, but I have
always remembered it. Yes, remembered it until the day I died.
When
I was a college student taking computer science courses I remembered it.
When
I ran my first program I remembered it. I remembered it because my program had
a bug in it, and it ran and ran and ran. While it was running merrily away I
checked it over. When you cut out all the irrelevant details it boiled down to
something like this:
10
PRINT “Something”
20
GO TO 10
30
END
Ha!
Ha
Ha!
An
infinite loop. I’d forgotten to put limits on the loop. Oh well, power down and
back to the keyboard.
And
I remembered it once again on a larger computer system that booted my program
off after exceeding its time limit because it was in a loop. My program didn’t
know that it was in a loop, but the computer did. I though I could hear the
computer laughing as it kicked me off the system. No loops were going to spoil
his system of operation. I liked that computer.
That
is probably why I killed it. Not
permanently of course, just long enough to show that son of a bitch who was
boss. Writing a program to thwart the loop checker was easy. An undergrad could
have done it. All that’s needed is the knowledge of the mechanism of the loop
checker/preventer and the desire to crash it. Many have had either the
knowledge or the desire and several have had both. I would say that at least
once every couple of months the system would crash and about an hour later a
student would enter my office and laugh. He’d tell me how he’d done it and I’d
give him a job if we had the room. After all, that’s how I became a systems
programmer and manager of the University Computer Center. I just walked in and
laughed. Boy, computers are sure dumb!
Ha!
Ha
Ha!
I
remember my first exposure to infinity very well, but I don’t remember when it
was that I first speculated as to the nature of the loop checker/preventer in
the human mind. Was it boredom? Did one simply tire of thinking the same thing
over and over? Probably not (e.g. sex). Was it loss of signal with time due to
neural deadening in the area of the loop? Unlikely (consider the heart). Was it
laughter, some non-maskable interrupt?
Whenever I found myself in the same place, I’d remember the can of Bon
Ami under the sink, the one with the lady with the can with the lady... and
with a smile on my lips and a laugh in my heart I’d start over.
I
don’t know why computer programmers like to crash operating systems. It is
simply a fact. Oh, I don’t deny that I have some ideas; the challenge, the
feeling of superiority, the fun... but I don’t know why.
Ha
Ha!
But
I am getting off the track and this is supposed to be an apology. Believe me, I
really am sorry, and also depressed by what I’ve done. I’ve killed you, you
see? And I never really wanted to. That is why I’ve got to explain it to you.
Damn
the day that Karen described Billy’s symptoms to me! Karen is a grad student
friend of mine in the Special Education Center and Billy is one of her
students. Billy is mentally retarded. That’s not the correct term, I think
autistic is the word that she used, but I don’t really remember. Billy sits
quietly all day long until the evening at which time he has a fit, ends up with
him laughing himself unconscious. It is quite a regular thing with him.
I
started to speculate.
In
the next few days I checked and found that there were a few other cases similar
to Billy’s in their regularity. They are not common but they do exist.
I
wondered if perhaps they had a broken loop checker/ preventer. I wondered if
they thought the same thing over and over again. I wondered if one of them
might have crawled around as a very small child and had gotten under the sink
in the bathroom and seen the can with the lady with the can with...
Ha!
Ha
Ha!
What
an idea for a story. Someone finds a way to override the loop checker in the
human mind. A computer programmer finds a way to thwart it with a special
program, with a special way of thinking. That’s it!!
Ha!
Ha
Ha!
Everyone
knows that the simple programs are the best. In the story I’ll have a very
simple idea that short circuits the loop preventer.
Ha!
Ha
Ha!
I
really am sorry that my first victims will be all of you. I’m sure you are
clever people. I was one myself once, before I died. In fact, I’m sure that
most of you are already dead by now, in much the same way that most of the
people in the world will all be dead soon.
Ha!
Ha
Ha!
I
find myself digressing again, but fear not, I never stray too far from the
story line.
The
conclusion of the history lesson is simple. Two nights ago I sat down and typed
out this story and then reread it and laughed. Do you find it funny? I
certainly found it funny. And I wondered what if it were really true. What if
laughter is the interrupt that keeps us from thinking the same thing over and
over, the jolt that breaks us out of a loop, the non-maskable interrupt? What
if there was a simple idea, a simple program that could thwart the system? What
would be the nature of such a demon thought? Surely a computer programmer could
crash the system. All he needs is the desire and the knowledge of the loop
preventer.
Ha!
Ha
Ha!
It’s
so simple that it’s funny, once you understand it fully. All you do is make
sure that when ever you find yourself laughing you think of the Bon Ami under
the sink with the lady with the can...
Ha!
Ha
Ha1
I
really am sorry that I ever thought about I. You see, I’ve thought of nothing
else for the past couple of days.
I
suppose that I owe the human race more than an apology, but what else can I do?
I really am deeply sorry. Do you hear that? The inventor of the ultimate weapon
is sorry. If my death would undo it I wouldn’t hesitate to kill myself. In
fact, I may kill myself anyway.
Ha!
Ha
Ha!
Isn’t
that a joke. I say that as if I had a choice, as if I could kill myself,
as if I weren’t already dead for the past forty hours.
But
let me explain. After all, that is part of what an apology is all about, isn’t
it?